Questions that still work when memory is going

The one rule: no exam questions

"Do you remember?" "What year was that?" "Who am I?" These are tests, and a person who fails a test in their own living room stops talking, sometimes for the rest of the visit. Nearly every unsuccessful conversation with someone who has dementia begins with a question that had a right answer.

Replace the test with an invitation. Not "do you remember the bakery" but "that bakery smelled of something in the morning — what was it?" Not "what year did you marry" but "who did your hair that day?" If the answer is wrong, it does not matter. You are not collecting facts. You are collecting the sound of them talking.

7.4 million Americans aged 65 and over are living with Alzheimer's in 2026, projected to reach about 13.8 million by 2060 (Alzheimer's Association, 2026 Facts and Figures). A very large number of families are having this conversation this week, mostly without any guidance at all.

Why objects work and dates do not

Episodic memory is the memory of events — what happened, where, and when — and it is usually the first to go. Procedural memory is the memory of how to do things: knead dough, tie a knot, shuffle cards, tune a radio, hold a rifle, play a scale. It is stored differently and it lasts longer, sometimes years longer. Sensory associations, particularly smell and music, also persist well after names and dates have gone. The pattern — recent, dated, event memory going first while long-practised skills and early-life memory hold — is the ordinary course of Alzheimer's disease as the Alzheimer's Society describes it in its guidance on memory loss, and it is the reason every question on this page asks about a skill, a smell or a song rather than a year.

That is the whole design principle for this page. Ask about hands, songs, smells and routines. Do not ask about chronology, and do not build a question that requires two facts to be joined together.

Reminiscence work — structured conversation about the past using objects, photographs, food and music — has been used in dementia care for decades and is a recognised part of life-story work in care homes and day services. It is a practice, not a treatment. We make no therapeutic claim for it, and none for recording. Anyone who tells you that talking about the past slows dementia is going further than the evidence goes. The evidence is modest and honest: the Cochrane review of reminiscence therapy for dementia (Woods, O'Philbin, Farrell, Spector and Orrell, 2018, CD001120) found small benefits to quality of life, cognition and mood at the end of treatment, larger in care homes than in the community, and little that lasted at follow-up (summary). NICE guideline NG97 (2018) says "consider group reminiscence therapy for people living with mild to moderate dementia", recommendation 1.4.3 (nice.org.uk). "Consider", not "offer". That is the right weight, and it is the weight this page gives it: a good way to have a conversation, not a treatment.

Start here

Hand them the object if you can. A question asked while someone is holding the thing works far better than the same question asked across a room.

The middle of the conversation

Hands and doing

The strongest ground on this page. Ask them to demonstrate rather than describe, and do it standing at a counter or a table if they are able.

Songs and rhythm

Music from between roughly fifteen and twenty-five years old is the most reliable material there is. Lyrics often come back whole when sentences have got difficult, and singing sometimes flows when talking has stopped.

Food and smell

The route and the room

Questions to save for later

Not later in the illness. Later in the day, on a day that is going well, when they are rested and the room is quiet. Have them ready and be willing to abandon them mid-sentence.

That last one is worth doing early rather than late. A person saying the names of their family out loud, in their own voice, is the single recording families come back to, and it stays possible long after the stories have got tangled.

When the answer is wrong

Do not correct them. There is nothing to be gained and a great deal to lose.

If she is looking for her mother, ask about her mother. If he thinks he is due at work, ask what the job is and who he works with. Answer the feeling rather than the fact, and follow the version of the world they are in — it is not dishonesty, it is manners. Arguing about which decade it is produces distress, and distress ends the conversation and sometimes the afternoon.

Practical form of the same rule: never say "no, that was Uncle Peter." Say "tell me about him," and let the name land where it lands.

Recording, and consent, when memory is going

Capacity moves through the day. Somebody can be glad to talk at eleven in the morning and frightened by a microphone at four, and a permission given last month is not a permission for today. Ask again at the start of every session, in plain words, and stop the moment they want to stop. Our full position on this is on who agreed to be recorded.

Keep sessions to fifteen or twenty minutes rather than forty. Record in the room they use most, not a special room. Leave the recorder in one place and do not move it around. And record earlier than feels necessary: the gap between "she repeats herself a bit" and "she is tired by the second question" is often shorter than families expect. There is a longer piece on the timing at recording before dementia takes the details.

The question that usually works when nothing else does

Can you show me how you used to do it?

It is not a memory question at all, which is exactly why it works. It asks the hands rather than the dates, and the hands often still know — the wrist turn for folding pastry, the way a plane is held, how a nappy was pinned, the fingering for the first bar of something.

It also converts a failure into a success. A question about a year can be got wrong in front of your daughter. A demonstration cannot. And when the hands start, the talking very often starts with them, because the person is back inside a piece of their life where they were competent. That is the state you want them in before you ask anything else.

Questions people ask

What are good conversation starters for someone with dementia?

Objects, smells, songs and routines. "What is this for," "what did your kitchen smell like in the morning," "what did you dance to," "what was the first thing you did when you got up." Avoid anything beginning "do you remember," because it is a test and it can be failed.

Should I correct them when they get something wrong?

No. Follow the version of the world they are in and ask about it. Correcting produces distress and usually ends the conversation, and the factual record is not what you are here for.

Is it too late to record my mother if she already has dementia?

Usually not. Voice, songs, names and demonstrations often remain available long after ordered storytelling has gone, and short sessions of fifteen minutes are enough. Ask her permission each time, in plain words, and stop when she has had enough.

Does talking about the past help with dementia?

Reminiscence work is an established practice in dementia care and many families find these conversations calmer and warmer than ordinary visiting. It is not a treatment, we make no therapeutic claim, and nobody should record for medical reasons.

---

Related: The first twenty minutes · Questions to ask before it's too late · Recording before dementia takes the details · Who agreed to be recorded · All the question pages

MemoriesBox keeps the person's own voice rather than a written summary, in short guided sessions, hosted in the European Union and exportable at any time. $139 a year, first 14 days free, cancel anytime.