How to record someone who doesn't want to be recorded

Before you start

Two things have to be settled before anything else on this page is any use.

The first: never record anyone secretly. Not once, not for their own good, not because they would not mind if they knew. In Germany it is a criminal offence under §201 StGB even for a participant in the conversation, and the rules elsewhere are set out at how to record a phone call. More to the point, it is the thing that ends the possibility of ever recording them properly. MemoriesBox will not build anything from a recording made without the person's knowledge, which is stated in full at we only record people who agreed to be recorded.

The second: their no is allowed to be a no. This guide is about asking better, not about wearing someone down. If you read it and conclude that the answer is to keep pushing, put it down.

Why people actually refuse

Almost nobody refuses because they object to recording in principle. They refuse for one of these, and the right response is different for each.

That last row is the one people miss. For someone who has lost a licence, a house, a job or a spouse, saying no to a recording may be one of the few decisions still entirely theirs. Arguing with it is arguing with the only thing you should not touch.

The steps

1. Change the size of the ask

"Your life story" is a monument, and being asked to build one is exhausting. "Twenty minutes about the house you grew up in" is a favour. Nearly every refusal we have seen described is a refusal of the monument, not of the twenty minutes. Ask for the small thing, and never mention the big thing again.

2. Ask in advance, and ask once

Not in the moment, with a phone already in your hand. A week before, in a sentence, with no follow-up. I'd like to record you talking about the old house sometime, twenty minutes, for Anna. Have a think. Then change the subject and let them come back to it. People who are cornered say no; people who are given a week say yes surprisingly often.

3. Ask for a named person who is not you

This is the single most effective change, and it is not a trick, because it is true. Anna is four. She will not remember you. I want her to be able to hear you. A recording made for you is a memorial, and being asked to sit for your own memorial is a strange thing to be asked. A recording made for a named grandchild is a gift, and people who will not accept sympathy will almost always give a gift.

4. Attach a delete button and then actually use it

You hear it first. Anything you want gone, I delete, and you watch me do it. Say it before you start, then honour it the first time it is invoked, in front of them, without negotiating. One deletion done cleanly buys more trust than any amount of reassurance beforehand. Also say who will have the files.

5. Take the topic off the table, out loud

If you suspect there is one subject they will not go near — a marriage, a brother, a war, money — name the category and rule it out before you begin. We're not going anywhere near the business. I'm not asking about that. Fear of one question stops the other two hundred, and removing it costs you nothing you were going to get anyway.

6. Keep the equipment out of sight, without hiding it

The distinction is worth being precise about. Hiding a recorder from someone who has not agreed is covert recording. Getting a clear yes and then putting the recorder somewhere it is not being stared at is ordinary consideration.

So: get the yes, show them the recorder, let them see you press record. Then put it down and stop looking at it — on a shelf, on the far side of a fruit bowl, in the open top of a bag. No red light in their eye line, no lit phone screen between you, no hand hovering. Say once, "it's running", and never refer to it again. Leave it running through the tea and the walk to the door, because the sentence you actually want is usually said after they think it has ended.

7. Record yourself instead, if it comes to that

If the answer is a final no, there is still a recording to be made and it requires nobody's permission but yours. Sit down with your own phone and talk for twenty minutes about your father: what he sounded like, what he said at the table, the story about the boat. Do it while you can still hear him. A child in 2070 would rather have your account than nothing, and it is the only recording here that nobody can refuse you.

When to stop

Stop when any of these happens, without finishing the question you were on.

• They say "that's enough now". It is a complete sentence, not an opening position.
• They change the subject twice in a row, or the answers get shorter three questions running.
• They look at the recorder, or ask again what it is for.
• They get tearful and it is not the good kind. If you cannot tell the difference, stop anyway.
• They are tired. Tiredness in an older person arrives faster than you expect and leaves slower.

Stop visibly. Press stop where they can see it and say "that's off". Then stay for twenty minutes and talk about something else, so the end of the recording is not the end of the visit. Most projects that die, die because the first session was allowed to run twenty minutes too long.

Why "I'll just take notes" is a legitimate answer

Some people will never agree to be recorded, and a written record made with their knowledge is not a consolation prize. Almost everything we know about anyone who lived before 1950 reached us this way.

If you take notes, take them properly:

• Write the exact words, in quotation marks, whenever a phrase is theirs. Not a summary. The words are the part that will not survive any other way.
• Note names, places, dates and spellings as they are said, and ask how a name is spelled while they are still there.
• Write them up within 24 hours. After a day you are writing your own prose; after a week you are writing fiction.
• Read it back to them next visit. They will correct it, and the corrections are frequently better than the original.
• Date every page and say who was in the room.

A good number of people who refuse the recorder agree six months later, once they have seen that you took the no seriously. Ask again once, in one sentence, after a long gap. If the answer is still no, that is the answer.

53% of British adults say they learned something new about a family member only after that person had died, and 43% found it while clearing out their home (Ancestry.co.uk, November 2022, n=2,000). Notes in a drawer are one of the ways the other 47% found out in time.

What usually goes wrong

You ask in front of the family. Being asked to perform in front of three generations at a lunch table is a guaranteed no. Ask when it is the two of you.

You bring a lot of equipment. A microphone on a stand tells someone this is an interview and they are now a subject. A phone on a towel does not.

The wrong person is asking. Sometimes a parent will not talk to a child but will talk to a grandchild, an in-law, or the neighbour who has known them forty years. It is not personal, or rather it is exactly personal. Ask someone else to ask.

You accept the no and then sulk. They will notice, and it converts a soft no into a permanent one.

You promise a delete button and then argue when they use it. Everything you built is gone in that one sentence.

You wait for them to bring it up. They will not.

What to ask, when they have said yes to twenty minutes

Do not open with anything that sounds like an interview. Open with a room.

More at what to ask when they say there's nothing to tell and, for the harder version, asking a parent you aren't close to.

Questions people ask

My parent refuses to be recorded. What should I do?

Make the ask smaller, make it for a named grandchild rather than for you, attach a delete button, and give them a week to think about it. If the answer is still no, take written notes with their knowledge instead, and ask once more in six months. Do not record them secretly.

Is it illegal to record someone without telling them?

In Germany, yes — §201 StGB makes it a criminal offence to record another person's private speech without consent, even if you are part of the conversation. Elsewhere the rules vary, and the summary by country is at how to record a phone call with a parent. Regardless of the law, a covert recording is one nobody can honourably use afterwards.

Can I put the recorder out of sight?

Yes, once they have said yes and watched you press record. Consent is the thing that matters, not visibility. What you should not do is hide the recorder from someone who has not agreed, or let them believe the recording stopped when it did not.

What if they get upset partway through?

Stop asking questions and wait. Do not lunge for the recorder. Say "take your time", then offer plainly to stop for today. Afterwards, away from the recording, ask whether they want that part kept, and if the answer is no, delete it in front of them and say it is gone.

---

Related: All the guides · How to record your parents' life story · What to ask when they say there's nothing to tell · Asking a parent you aren't close to · We only record people who agreed to be recorded

If they say yes but would rather not be interviewed by their own child, MemoriesBox runs the conversation instead and keeps the person's own voice. $139 a year, first 14 days free, hosted in the EU. Start here. If they say no, none of that applies, and the notes are the right answer.